We have spent a lot of time guiding our children through their adoption stories. This includes unwanted questions from their peers, and even adults. We empower them to use their words, and remember they have the strength of their entire family behind them when they are confronted with these uncomfortable and intrusive questions. We recently learned the W.I.S.E method, and I frequently remind them of this tool.
How many of you that have biological children have sat down and talked to your children about adoption? If your not educating them, just know that they are having these conversations on the playground, or just leaving the details up to their imaginations. Here are a few comments and questions my kids have been confronted with:
- Why didn’t your REAL mom want you?
- My mom told me your parents were bad, and that’s why you had to get new parents.
- How much did it cost?
- Why are you brown and your mom is white?
- Is THAT your brother/sister?
- Do you know your REAL mom?
You can imagine how painful and uncomfortable these questions can be. I encourage you to please take the time to have this conversation with your children. There are many great children’s books on the subject of adoption (I caution you, every adoption story is as unique as the child, so the books are not a one size fits all). Here are some basic points to help start the conversation:
All families are different, but the one thing they have in common is that the parents LOVE their children very much! Some families look alike, and some look very different from each other, but inside their hearts are the same.
Sometimes families with adopted children look different, because the children grew in another person’s belly, and may look more like that person.
Many children grow in their mommies bellies, but adopted children grow in someone else’s belly, while they grow in their Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.
The other person who’s Belly they grew in is called a Birth Mother, or Belly Mom.
Their REAL Mom and Dad are the ones that they call Mom and Dad and who love them. Their brothers and sisters are the ones they love, and call brother and sister. This makes a REAL forever family.
There are lots of reasons birth moms aren’t able to care for their children and decide to give them up for adoption. This is a very difficult decision for birth moms because they love their children. Ultimately, they decide adoption is the best, most loving choice for their children.
Adopted children have another set of parents called birth parents, but this is private information, and adopted children don’t always know their birth parents or want to talk about them. Please know it is rude and potentially hurtful to adopted children to ask them about their birth parents.
Families being different is what makes us special! Let’s celebrate our differences! Can you think of other ways families are different? (This could lead to a discussion of single-parent families, grandparents as parents, same-sex parents, step-parents, etc.)
If you would like me to talk to your family, church group or classroom, and you live in the Raleigh-Durham area, I welcome the opportunity to help educate about adoption!
Please share this with your friends, school, and moms groups! Please do your part to educate others Thank you!
**Special thanks to my fellow adoptive Mom, Kathryn for letting me borrow some of this text!