Love Comes Softly…

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I have been thinking about this for awhile and I am finally ready to put my thoughts into words.

I watch the TV show Parenthood occasionally,  when I remember it’s on and I actually have time to watch. There has been a story-line lately that has touched a nerve. Not so much in a bad way, but it is still unfolding. The story-line describes a young couple that ends up adopting a a school-aged boy from fostercare. The  mother struggles with bonding with this child.  At one point the Mother even questions their decision to adopt the child, as she finally admits her frustration “He doesn’t love me”.

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Now…for my 2cents. I think many (not all) bonding issues arise when there are unrealistic expectations. Every adoption story is different as is every parent and child. Many prospective adoptive parents have expressed fear that they may not bond, or even be able to love a child that they are not biologically connected to. The good news is…yes you can, BUT,…it may take time.

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Many Mothers express how it was ‘love at first site’ when their newborn was first placed in their arms. If you follow this idea, then it can lead to frustration as an adoptive parent. Most biological parents have 9 months to dream, nest, bond and yes fall in love with this child. Most have names chosen, rooms decorated, celebrations had and with the miracle of science most even know the sex of their child, as well as having detailed photos of the child snug in the womb.

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Adoption can be very different. Our experience with L&D enabled us to create a bond and fall in love over the 10 months it took to bring them home. Our agency sent monthly DVD’s, photos and allowed us to send care packages. We watched each DVD over and over, memorizing every smile, every gurgle and every coo. We felt we knew L&D before we ever held them in our arms.

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Think back to when you met your partner/spouse was it love at first sight (don’t confuse love with lust here 🙂 ). How much more do you love this person today compared to the day you met them? How much more do you love your child today than the first time you held them? Love is a journey…it comes softly.

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2 thoughts on “Love Comes Softly…

  1. This is so true! As a stepmother, I didn’t immediately love my fiance’s daughter (2 at the time), and she didn’t immediately love me. I thought she was adorable and I really wanted her to like me. Thank goodness she did and after meeting once she began calling me “My Jackie”. Over time, I fell in love with her. I hoped eventually she would see me as her family and love me too. The first time she said “I love you too” back to me, I nearly cried. It was about a year after I met her, and about 6 months after living with her and her father. Now, I would happily kill anyone who tried to mess with her. I worry about her, think about her, and cry from missing her. I think people easily understand that a stepchild doesn’t immediately love their stepmother. It is easy to grasp because the child often still has their “real” mother and this woman is just coming into the child’s life. However, take a child the same age and adopt him/her, and people tend to expect “instant” love since the woman is now the child’s legal mother and only mother the child will know from now on. It isn’t fair to expect a small child to distinguish one situation from an other. The stepmother scenario shows the people understand children don’t just instantly love someone just because that person loves them. However, people sometimes forget this when it comes to adoption. This is a long comment, but all I’m trying to say is I completely agree with you! It takes time but that doesn’t make the love any less real or special!

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